if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
