girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
