I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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