remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Randomize