Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
