There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
