Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
