Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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