I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
