A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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