she woke up with a sticky ear
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
