We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
