You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
