guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
