I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
