last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
