I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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