If i come over, it means nothing
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
