Where is the hickey?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
