Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
