I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
