farters have to be the big spoon...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
