if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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