my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize