I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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