The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
