i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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