it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
