I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
