not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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