she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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