I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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