Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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