I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
