just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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