Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
