i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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