im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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