I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
