i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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