My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
