I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
