I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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