i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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