The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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