the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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