I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
