Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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