Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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