i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
