now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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