I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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