You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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