plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
