yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The Olympian is in my bed
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