did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
