mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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