We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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