Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
