I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
