You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
