I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
