Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize