you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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