i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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