aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
