i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
