Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
