I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
