my mouth tastes like poor choices
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
