I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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