just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
