its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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