Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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