a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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